The Morning Gerald

'How Long Before We Can Start Hating the French Again?' Asks Everyone

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As the period of mourning continues over the horrific terror attacks in Paris, British people have begun asking how long is necessary before open hatred of the French can begin again it has been revealed.</div>
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In a survey conducted by Professor Charles Langtree of The Felchfield Institute, 99.9% of British residents were itching to profess just how much they though the French were cunts.</div>
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'It's a miracle it has lasted this long' said Professor Langtree.</div>
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'The most telling question the the survey was 'Depite the horror of the terror attacks, the French population has been reduced in number because of it. Are you secretly happy?' to which 102% of people said yes.'</div>
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'Not a possible number I know, but some people tore their survey in half and answered on both pieces.'</div>
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'I am deeply concerned about the mental health of the British people this love and compassion is doing. The sooner they return to their default setting of misery, bile and gemeral hate, the better for everyone.'</div>

'How Long Before We Can Start Hating the French Again?' Asks Everyone

As the period of mourning continues over the horrific terror attacks in Paris, British people have begun asking how long is necessary...

Corbyn Maliciously Wastes Food to Clap Old Soldiers

News, Politics, UK 18:52

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Jeremy Corbyn maliciously, aggressively and purposely wasted food at the post-remembrance banquet by not turning up it has been claimed.</div>
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Deciding instead to clap veterans as they marched past and meet and greet them, an entire portion of ridiculous food went to waste.</div>
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'There's people starving in Africa you know' said Daily Mail columnist Giles Kunt.</div>
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'How dare he waste this delicious foie gras with truffle oil, roasted partridge in a port jus and fruit medley in 18 year old sherry?'</div>
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'Those brown people would love this stuff! The bastard. Taling to poor people who had the indignity to survive the wars that were meant to thin their numbers.'</div>
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'The scoundrel!'</div>

Corbyn Maliciously Wastes Food to Clap Old Soldiers

Jeremy Corbyn maliciously, aggressively and purposely wasted food at the post-remembrance banquet by not turning up it has been claim...

John Lewis Paedophile Dies From Low Oxygen, Pressure, Temperature

Business, News, Sci-Tech, UK 16:07

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The old man living on the Moon, who has been banished for touching far too many kids, has died from a combination of hypoxia, freezing and explosive decompression it has emerged.</div>
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As featured in this Christmas's John Lewis advert, the man began initially to struggle for breath.</div>
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'It looked quite horrific from the telescope I was watching him through' said Isla, a seven year old girl.</div>
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'I tried waving but he was too busy clutching his throat. It was then that I could see his fingers and limbs start to freeze solid around his neck.'</div>
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'He staggered towards what looked like a park bench but his movements became more and more robotic as he slowly froze.'</div>
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'Finally his stomach and guts exploded sending intestines flying off into space. He fell down backwards dead. Very, very dead.'</div>
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'Still, I've got a lovely spare telescope here!'</div>

John Lewis Paedophile Dies From Low Oxygen, Pressure, Temperature

The old man living on the Moon, who has been banished for touching far too many kids, has died from a combination of hypoxia, freezin...

Maths Exams That Include Maths to be Abolished

International, News, Sci-Tech 12:22

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With the increased focus internationally on 'Sally's Problem', 'The Dying Llama' and 'The Piss Easy Coins Thing', Maths exams are to have their content changed.</div>
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'We feel people struggle counting let alone using letters instead of numbers' said Professor Charles Langtree of the Felchfield Institute.</div>
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'From now on people will just have to stand in front of the invigilator and sing a nursery rhyme about pixies whilst wearing a silly hat.'</div>
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'That will get them an A in Maths and will see them in to any job they need.'</div>
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'There is the small issue of probably having to convert to a pre-industrial society when nobody can make any machines work or build them anymore.'</div>
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'But hey, no more maths exams with maths in them! Woo hoo!'</div>

Maths Exams That Include Maths to be Abolished

With the increased focus internationally on 'Sally's Problem', 'The Dying Llama' and 'The Piss Easy Coins Thi...

David Cameron Uses Photoshopped Soul

News, Politics, UK 08:52

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David Cameron's soul is fake and is added to pictures and news footage after the fact it has been revealed.</div>
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Using photoshop and film editting software, a soul is pasted over his lifeless face to resemble a normal human being with normal feelings like compassion.</div>
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'His actions are such that we had no option' said digital artist Ash Kennedy.</div>
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'Nobody can look him deep in the eyes ordinarily without chanting their love for Beelzebub.'</div>
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'So we have to make him seem vaguely normal and have a face that looks like an innocuous piece of reformed ham rather than a demonic hell beast coming to steal money from the poor. So far it's working wonderfully.'</div>
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'Stupid people have voted for him in droves. Only to have their bank accounts emptied so a hedge fund manager can sacrifice a goat by fucking it to death. It's the Tory way.'</div>

David Cameron Uses Photoshopped Soul

David Cameron's soul is fake and is added to pictures and news footage after the fact it has been revealed. Using photoshop a...

Merseyside Police's Next Gig to Feature Paedo Jokes

News, Politics, UK 09:52

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Merseyside Police have apologised for engaging in rape banter over twitter it has been revealed.</div>
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Releasing a statement about the conduct of their social media team, Chief Inspector Sir Hugh Ordinary said 'This is not the conduct we expect from Merseyside Police Officers.'</div>
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'It wasn't funny in the slightest this behaviour. For that we are sorry. Usually we are far better at making light of such things.'</div>
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'Only last week I was chatting with a subordinate in the tea room when a female Inspector entered. We joked away about how she could gladly inspect my briefs. Then my colleague gave her a playful spank of the bum and of she went, crying. Daft bitch.'</div>
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'We want to assure the people of Merseyside that standards will rise. Wr have a great piece about PCSOs being paedophiles in disguise.'</div>
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'And the Matrix firearms unit will soon be dressing in black uniforms with leather knee boots and skulls on their hats. That's not a joke, just how they roll. Try not to be brown around them if you can.'</div>

Merseyside Police's Next Gig to Feature Paedo Jokes

Merseyside Police have apologised for engaging in rape banter over twitter it has been revealed. Releasing a statement about the ...

Fog Leads to General Relief That You Can't See London

News, Sci-Tech, UK 09:37

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The thick fog that has enveloped the UK today has lead over 8 million people to breathe a sigh of relief it has emerged.</div>
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The inability to see London has led to a jaunty spring in the step of Londoners.</div>
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Ash Kennedy, a bicycle courier from Clacton said 'This is best morning to go to work in ages.'</div>
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'I can't see any of the horrific sky scrapers. I can't see any of those bloody awful moving shuffling things on pavements. People! That's it, people.'</div>
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'But best of all I can't see any of the articulated lorries or buses that will inevitably kill me this morning with their general hatred for every other road user.'</div>
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'My death will be quick, peaceful and I won't see it coming. And I won't have to look into the faces of the gawping crowd that gathers round my increasingly lifeless body as they film my slow passing on their smartphones and somehow deem it appropriate to take selfies next to my corpse.'</div>
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'Wankers.'</div>

Fog Leads to General Relief That You Can't See London

The thick fog that has enveloped the UK today has lead over 8 million people to breathe a sigh of relief it has emerged. The inab...

'How Long Before We Can Start Hating the French Again?' Asks Everyone

Corbyn Maliciously Wastes Food to Clap Old Soldiers

John Lewis Paedophile Dies From Low Oxygen, Pressure, Temperature

Maths Exams That Include Maths to be Abolished

David Cameron Uses Photoshopped Soul

Merseyside Police's Next Gig to Feature Paedo Jokes

Fog Leads to General Relief That You Can't See London

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